Dearest,
I suppose by now, that you've received my cards from Mexico. I saw them in a little shop and couldn't resist the urge to send you my feelings via Spanish from Old Mexico. I hope you liked them, they put the words right in my mouth - I couldn't express it any better!
We left Pyote Thursday at noon and spent a day in El Paso, Texas first for the hell of it. Went across the border to see what it was like over there. I was mildly fascinated and had a pleasurable time. I was thinking of you, wishing that you could have been with me. I've really got it bad, honey, I can't ever forget you. No matter what I do, I'm connecting you up with the circumstances, visualizing what you would be saying or doing - always feeling that something was missing to make it complete and realizing that if you were there - the artist could go home, for the picture would be finished.
We arrived here Saturday somewhat undecided whether to like it or not. The living conditions seem to be all right for us, but the housing situation in town is awful. There are plenty of good homes, but not enough of them empty and it's almost impossible to get anything.
We won't be doing very much until the 8th when the rest of our crew get here, and I found out that they weren't expecting us here until the 8th, which means that we navigators could have gotten those leaves as easy as that, but our C.O. didn't have enough back bone to go thru with it. I'm madder than a wet hen - it could have been so simple for us then, however, the situation gets more involved all the time - or maybe I make it that way.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm all mixed up - sometimes I think my head will never stop spinning - I'm like a chained dog - so much I want to do, and so little time to do it with, that is our biggest problem. Darling, I love you so, that to be away from you has developed into a constant pain just above my heart. It's a feeling of longing, of desire to be near you, to hold each other, oh, so tightly!
There is a solution to every problem, maybe we can work ours out to a point of at least mild satisfaction.
There are so many things to consider in our marriage. I love you enough not to want to hurt you by "I regret to inform you, etc." I want to come back the way I left - in these times there are odds, for or against - I don't know which. If we were to marry, and something did happen to me, I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. But on the other hand, if every thing did turn out all rosey and bright - we would have been sorry for not going thru with it as our hearts told us to do. Oh, my sweet, I'm not trying to be melodramatic or noble - I'm trying to do the thing that is right for both of us. I'm trying to think clearly and deliberately and at the same time the thought of our being apart keeps driving and pushing at my heart. If only we could be together, to talk to each other, instead of writing, it might or it might not help.
What I'm trying to say is that a possibility of another leave is as possible as recovery from a bad case of double pneumonia. There's a very remote possibility, but it's very remote indeed. And so I can safely say that my stay in the States is limited to a few short months of hard, long training, after which God knows how long it'll be before we'll see each other. I have every hope and the utmost confidence that I'll be back! I want you to know that "you will always be the one for me," that I'll always love you!! My only hope will be that you still love me a long time from now, when we're together, the two of us, grey hair and all.
So, you see as things stand, we won't see each other before I go. It might be better that way. It would be so hard to part for either of us. But I can't convince myself of not seeing you again for another year. Darling, why don't you come down for a few weeks? We can talk it all over then, and if things turn out, at least one way or the other, we would at least have had the pleasure of each other. Then you could go home or stay depending on what we decided.
Since we love each other and will eventually be one, I feel that we can talk about a lot of things that would otherwise be left unsaid. On this particular point, our love life, I want you to know how I feel about it.
First of all, I'm sure that you are the woman that I'll always love regardless of what has gone before - that is water under the bridge. I'm so happy to hear you say what you did, naturally, but I didn't expect a doll for a wife to say the least - I did want a woman who had emotion and a warm heart, someone I could love dearly, and with all my heart. Someone who had been around more or less, not someone who had lived the life of a nun surrounded by a childlike, puritan wall all her life. What you told me made me happier than I've ever been. Happy to know that I was in love with a woman who knew what love was, who had emotion enough to say that she was fortunate to have been able to control her affections, not to have never had any before. Happy to know that I wasn't in love with a statue of cold, unaffected desire, and that I was in love with a woman who was mature, mentally as well as physically. This is what those words meant to me, this is what I wanted to hear.
As for myself, naturally I've been in situations, situations that I had to fight against within myself. I always seemed to look forward to the day until I met someone like you. I thought I was in love before, but it's not until now that I realize how wrong I was. Do you know how I feel about you? I feel that we could start from scratch - and end up on the top of the world - together. With an inspiration, as I have in you, I believe we could surmount any obstacles together, and still be there at the end of the long road, gazing into each other's eyes and saying, "Darling, we made it together."
As far as children are concerned, I think that's something to be decided between us and at a more appropriate time. However, I love children, and if it's possible - if it's God's will - maybe some day we can see what we can do. Until then, we'll just forget about it.
Sweetheart, I want to say something else to put myself at ease and possibly yourself.
There are a lot of problems involved in marriage, itself, that I don't understand and I assume that since this marriage business is new to both of us, that we'll have the same doubts and questions, and at times we won't know how to handle them so readily as we think. But it's my opinion that if we're both sensible, both of us try to iron out our problems together, and as one preacher said to two newlyweds "Good luck, and don't both get mad at the same time" I think we'll be the two happiest people in the world.
I was glad to hear that your dad liked me. At least I've made a good first impression. Not knowing your dad, and just getting a glimpse of your mother, I can't say much either way.
However, if they're anything like you, and I'm sure they are, I'm going to like them a lot. Perhaps even more than usually is the case.
Now, you know how things are, and as I've said before, whatever you decide will be ok with me. I'll respect your decision, and everything will work out some how.
Let me know though, so that in case you do come down, I can make arrangements for you and be ready for you.
So hard to leave, even in writing, but I'm going to hang my love on this line. Praying and hoping for the best for us always. Speaking your name in my every prayer.
I'll always love you, darling - always!
Yours,
Jim
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